...The letter I wish I could send...

I know you're afraid.  I know that life has taught you that people don't stay.  People you love can leave you & there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You try to save the world because the world couldn't save your father.

I know you're afraid of me, you're afraid I'll leave or that the world will take me away.  So you keep me at a distance, but close enough to keep your eye on me.  It's your way of controling the situation.  It doesn't matter when I'm taken from this world, I will always love you deep & that you cannot control.  What you can control is whether you choose to push me away & miss out, or let me in & enjoy it.

You are allowed to be happy. He would be sad if you weren't.  You take on the best parts of him & he would be proud to see that in you.  The parts of himself that he wouldn't like to see in you, well that's only natural.  You're human & that doesn't dissapoint anyone who loves you that much.

Mistakes don't dissapoint, flaws don't dissapoint, for they are expected.

I love you because you are my equal.
You are not above or below me.
You do not intimidate nor under stimulate me.
I am comfortable & happy when I'm around you.
My world lights up when I see you.
My heart rate increases.
I can actually feel my blood move faster in my body.
You make me feel like if I don't hug you I'll burst.


I don't want to trap you, or own you, or keep you.
I want to love you.
I like you.
I like you just the way you are.
I just want you to relax & let yourself feel happiness.
You deserve it.  You deserve all I can & will give to you.
I'm in no hurry for I am scared too afterall we are equals.
I understand you & I will love you no matter what.

How To Stop Loving Someone... For Their Sake

Most people probably don't think about ways to stop loving someone,
but I'm not most people.
I am an amaglam of neediness, fear & un-bias love.
I do it too much,
It's all I do.
Love Love Love


I'll do it untill you run away terrified
I'll do it untill you run away screaming


Untill you've given up because you just can't do the same.
You can't love me like I love you
No one can
No one can love me as much as I love them
It will never be enough
You will always feel guilty.

Just know I don't do it on purpose
At least know that
I'll stop loving you, for your sake
I love you that much
I'll let you go
So that you may feel adequate with another lover

This is my curse, not yours
I'll miss you
Go be happy

Your Haircut

     When I write in public places I sometimes re-read outloud in a whisper & it's creepy.
I'm waiting on a date & I keep thinking she's you & that's creepy.
     I catch myself looking out the window for a red truck that she doesn't drive.
She will enevidably sneak up on me if she comes at all.

     I find myself being nicer to girls who look like you & I am continuously dissapointed when they open their mouth.
It is never you that pops out.  It's a stranger that I have never missed or loved.
     And I am only excited because I took this pill.
I took this pill and it made me feel good about everyone with your haircut.
     Everyone who wears flannels & zip up hoodies & drives trucks.
But no one has your smile, or your polite willingness to please.
     She has neither.  Only the haircut & the truck.

I wonder if you do that with me.
     Playing the same pathetic game
letting short, petite, curly-haired girls catch your eye more often.
     Maybe you're too smart for that, maybe the likeness hurts or is simply bothersome.
I wouldn't know because sometimes I find joy in painful things.

Orgasmic Soiree

Female Masculinity is sex
Avant-garde:  it pushes the boundaries of  what defines a "woman"
Intoxicating
Intriguing
Pulsating
I would fuck a woman's masculinity until I was overcome with fatigue

A storm swirling
A feast of wise words
I smell now
I never smelled before, but now the smells are pouring out
Of my clothes, my feet, my socks, my hair
This is gross
I am monstrous and I love it

I knew masculinity before, but only in a woman
I have never known a man
I am a girl who laughs at herself for being this way
Stinking of love
It is what I am
A stinking factory of love for a masculine woman


I have a heart carved into my chest
Someone else did it the other day
While my mind was chained up inside her bedroom
It was the 2nd & 3rd time she'd done it
In the exact same spot
I know why she did it


If everytime I think of her she goes over it with a knife
Then one day it won't fade
I was thinking of this even as I was messaging with another girl
Imagining the comfort of lying together on her mattress
Thinking of the recieving partner's orgasmic soiree


It isn't all sex
It's the confident strut entangled in a sensitive cacoon
It's a soft endearing middle & hidden insecurities
Covered by a protective net large enough to sheild you as well.

Soft kisses & Hard fucking

Cerebrum Overload

Sometimes when you do nothing... you do nothing
And sometimes when you do nothing... you write
Which is ironic because when that happens you're no longer doing nothing.
And how is it that you can actually DO nothing?


You can not just cry all day
It will disable you
Day drinking
Passes the time
It will disable you


I don't know why I'm crying
I haven't spilled any milk
I just can't breathe
You shouldn't cry over spilled milk
But what if you've spilled your guts
I believe that warrents some tears

At least my dissability doesn't render me unbearable
At least I haven't been diagnosed with the cronice widespread plague of being an asshole
That should be a dissablitity
I would love to see thoes test results
"I'm sorry Sir, but according to our tests, you have...
Religious Intolerance
Racial Intolerance &
Queer Intolerance
I think you should no longer be apart of the workforce
We just can not risk you infecting everyone else with your poisionious mouth clutter"


I'm getting tired
I'm getting tired of my love
I'm getting tired of lugging it around all the time
My love should lose some weight
If it would just walk away sometimes so I wouldn't have to carry it
Maybe we'd both get somewhere.

Connected....

I DO use Facebook but I think it's the devil.
I would totally friend request her but...
I fear it would cheapen our emails
& I like our emails
They are wholesome & remind me of highschool
before Facebook exsisted.

I haven't felt very connected to anyone
Not for a long time
Not since my birthday

But I think the dishwasher at work said it best when he told me...
It wasn't that he didn't like living alone
But that he needed a little supervision.
I really related to that.
When you're alone for a long time it's really easy to turn in on yourself
Become primal
Without supervision or basic societal demands
We almost give up
I mean honestly I could stop doing laundry & vaccuming for a week
& no one would know.
I could sit on the toilet with my composition book
& a sharpie in my hand
Until I've written 4 pages & there's a ring on my ass
& there would be no one there to remind me that
I should be self concious & feel weird about it.

When i was a kid & learned what infinity meant
It literally kept me up nights.
I just could not wrap my 9 year old brain around
neverending nothingness

Also I no longer think about occupation like I did when I was a kid.
I always thought i would be much more sucsessful at this age.
But I'm 28 & I've moved from West Virginia to San Francisco
like a cattle rancher recently divorced
going to the city to rope a wife & bring her back to help take care of the homestead.

I've been here 4 years & have yet to succseed at this task.
Although women are vastly different now then they were during the Gold Rush.

If my imagination could decide my reality i would live in Europe with my amazing wife & raise animals.
We'd go to the market, cook dinner, paint, drink & have amazing sex all the time.  Outside if we want.
Create art & sell it somehow.
It's like the European dream for Americans
or the American dream of Europe.
Either way it sounds romantic & stress free.
It doesn't take much if you don't need much.

Queen Midas

I want to hear you
At the peak of pleasure
The intense
Almost overwhelming beauty of your glow
Of your weight against me
OVERCOME
by a rush
A surge of exposure
& raw satisfaction.

In the grip of a hurricane
The smell of your hair surrounds me.
The perfume of your shampoo is intoxicating
All I want to do is feel your skin on my lips.

All the blood rushes to my head & I
I want to kiss you frantically
Ensuring you feel loved & NOT invaded.
I care so much
You are precious

In my arms
You're breathing so heavy
Oh smile for me please.
Where are you?
Still in your head?
Recovering
An oasis of happiness & nirvana
Come back Love
Look inmy eyes & smile.
Rest next to me
Ill brush your hair from your face
& Ill kiss your stomach
Still moving up & down
Lie back on my pillow
catch your breath
You beautiful girl.

I feel it in my fists & my feet
& the walls of my eyelids

I felt it in my chest & my skull
& down through my ribs.

All at once I felt like a girl
IN a tie & Oxfords

Like a girl in a top hat & Tights
Only San Francisco Nights
Only people without clear missions
Start fights

Like a girl
Like a boy
Like a child
Dreaming of
The Midas Touch