...The letter I wish I could send...

I know you're afraid.  I know that life has taught you that people don't stay.  People you love can leave you & there is nothing you can do to stop it.  You try to save the world because the world couldn't save your father.

I know you're afraid of me, you're afraid I'll leave or that the world will take me away.  So you keep me at a distance, but close enough to keep your eye on me.  It's your way of controling the situation.  It doesn't matter when I'm taken from this world, I will always love you deep & that you cannot control.  What you can control is whether you choose to push me away & miss out, or let me in & enjoy it.

You are allowed to be happy. He would be sad if you weren't.  You take on the best parts of him & he would be proud to see that in you.  The parts of himself that he wouldn't like to see in you, well that's only natural.  You're human & that doesn't dissapoint anyone who loves you that much.

Mistakes don't dissapoint, flaws don't dissapoint, for they are expected.

I love you because you are my equal.
You are not above or below me.
You do not intimidate nor under stimulate me.
I am comfortable & happy when I'm around you.
My world lights up when I see you.
My heart rate increases.
I can actually feel my blood move faster in my body.
You make me feel like if I don't hug you I'll burst.


I don't want to trap you, or own you, or keep you.
I want to love you.
I like you.
I like you just the way you are.
I just want you to relax & let yourself feel happiness.
You deserve it.  You deserve all I can & will give to you.
I'm in no hurry for I am scared too afterall we are equals.
I understand you & I will love you no matter what.

How To Stop Loving Someone... For Their Sake

Most people probably don't think about ways to stop loving someone,
but I'm not most people.
I am an amaglam of neediness, fear & un-bias love.
I do it too much,
It's all I do.
Love Love Love


I'll do it untill you run away terrified
I'll do it untill you run away screaming


Untill you've given up because you just can't do the same.
You can't love me like I love you
No one can
No one can love me as much as I love them
It will never be enough
You will always feel guilty.

Just know I don't do it on purpose
At least know that
I'll stop loving you, for your sake
I love you that much
I'll let you go
So that you may feel adequate with another lover

This is my curse, not yours
I'll miss you
Go be happy

Your Haircut

     When I write in public places I sometimes re-read outloud in a whisper & it's creepy.
I'm waiting on a date & I keep thinking she's you & that's creepy.
     I catch myself looking out the window for a red truck that she doesn't drive.
She will enevidably sneak up on me if she comes at all.

     I find myself being nicer to girls who look like you & I am continuously dissapointed when they open their mouth.
It is never you that pops out.  It's a stranger that I have never missed or loved.
     And I am only excited because I took this pill.
I took this pill and it made me feel good about everyone with your haircut.
     Everyone who wears flannels & zip up hoodies & drives trucks.
But no one has your smile, or your polite willingness to please.
     She has neither.  Only the haircut & the truck.

I wonder if you do that with me.
     Playing the same pathetic game
letting short, petite, curly-haired girls catch your eye more often.
     Maybe you're too smart for that, maybe the likeness hurts or is simply bothersome.
I wouldn't know because sometimes I find joy in painful things.

Orgasmic Soiree

Female Masculinity is sex
Avant-garde:  it pushes the boundaries of  what defines a "woman"
Intoxicating
Intriguing
Pulsating
I would fuck a woman's masculinity until I was overcome with fatigue

A storm swirling
A feast of wise words
I smell now
I never smelled before, but now the smells are pouring out
Of my clothes, my feet, my socks, my hair
This is gross
I am monstrous and I love it

I knew masculinity before, but only in a woman
I have never known a man
I am a girl who laughs at herself for being this way
Stinking of love
It is what I am
A stinking factory of love for a masculine woman


I have a heart carved into my chest
Someone else did it the other day
While my mind was chained up inside her bedroom
It was the 2nd & 3rd time she'd done it
In the exact same spot
I know why she did it


If everytime I think of her she goes over it with a knife
Then one day it won't fade
I was thinking of this even as I was messaging with another girl
Imagining the comfort of lying together on her mattress
Thinking of the recieving partner's orgasmic soiree


It isn't all sex
It's the confident strut entangled in a sensitive cacoon
It's a soft endearing middle & hidden insecurities
Covered by a protective net large enough to sheild you as well.

Soft kisses & Hard fucking

Cerebrum Overload

Sometimes when you do nothing... you do nothing
And sometimes when you do nothing... you write
Which is ironic because when that happens you're no longer doing nothing.
And how is it that you can actually DO nothing?


You can not just cry all day
It will disable you
Day drinking
Passes the time
It will disable you


I don't know why I'm crying
I haven't spilled any milk
I just can't breathe
You shouldn't cry over spilled milk
But what if you've spilled your guts
I believe that warrents some tears

At least my dissability doesn't render me unbearable
At least I haven't been diagnosed with the cronice widespread plague of being an asshole
That should be a dissablitity
I would love to see thoes test results
"I'm sorry Sir, but according to our tests, you have...
Religious Intolerance
Racial Intolerance &
Queer Intolerance
I think you should no longer be apart of the workforce
We just can not risk you infecting everyone else with your poisionious mouth clutter"


I'm getting tired
I'm getting tired of my love
I'm getting tired of lugging it around all the time
My love should lose some weight
If it would just walk away sometimes so I wouldn't have to carry it
Maybe we'd both get somewhere.

Connected....

I DO use Facebook but I think it's the devil.
I would totally friend request her but...
I fear it would cheapen our emails
& I like our emails
They are wholesome & remind me of highschool
before Facebook exsisted.

I haven't felt very connected to anyone
Not for a long time
Not since my birthday

But I think the dishwasher at work said it best when he told me...
It wasn't that he didn't like living alone
But that he needed a little supervision.
I really related to that.
When you're alone for a long time it's really easy to turn in on yourself
Become primal
Without supervision or basic societal demands
We almost give up
I mean honestly I could stop doing laundry & vaccuming for a week
& no one would know.
I could sit on the toilet with my composition book
& a sharpie in my hand
Until I've written 4 pages & there's a ring on my ass
& there would be no one there to remind me that
I should be self concious & feel weird about it.

When i was a kid & learned what infinity meant
It literally kept me up nights.
I just could not wrap my 9 year old brain around
neverending nothingness

Also I no longer think about occupation like I did when I was a kid.
I always thought i would be much more sucsessful at this age.
But I'm 28 & I've moved from West Virginia to San Francisco
like a cattle rancher recently divorced
going to the city to rope a wife & bring her back to help take care of the homestead.

I've been here 4 years & have yet to succseed at this task.
Although women are vastly different now then they were during the Gold Rush.

If my imagination could decide my reality i would live in Europe with my amazing wife & raise animals.
We'd go to the market, cook dinner, paint, drink & have amazing sex all the time.  Outside if we want.
Create art & sell it somehow.
It's like the European dream for Americans
or the American dream of Europe.
Either way it sounds romantic & stress free.
It doesn't take much if you don't need much.

Queen Midas

I want to hear you
At the peak of pleasure
The intense
Almost overwhelming beauty of your glow
Of your weight against me
OVERCOME
by a rush
A surge of exposure
& raw satisfaction.

In the grip of a hurricane
The smell of your hair surrounds me.
The perfume of your shampoo is intoxicating
All I want to do is feel your skin on my lips.

All the blood rushes to my head & I
I want to kiss you frantically
Ensuring you feel loved & NOT invaded.
I care so much
You are precious

In my arms
You're breathing so heavy
Oh smile for me please.
Where are you?
Still in your head?
Recovering
An oasis of happiness & nirvana
Come back Love
Look inmy eyes & smile.
Rest next to me
Ill brush your hair from your face
& Ill kiss your stomach
Still moving up & down
Lie back on my pillow
catch your breath
You beautiful girl.

I feel it in my fists & my feet
& the walls of my eyelids

I felt it in my chest & my skull
& down through my ribs.

All at once I felt like a girl
IN a tie & Oxfords

Like a girl in a top hat & Tights
Only San Francisco Nights
Only people without clear missions
Start fights

Like a girl
Like a boy
Like a child
Dreaming of
The Midas Touch

Holding Hands

I have this thing about holding hands
I like it.
It's actually a pretty amazing thing
Under-appreciated.

It almost seems silly to us now
A woman's hand being so taboo to uncover
But I can see now how her hand could be so
so
So Titulating.

If you think about it
About how special it is.

In the train station yesterday
As I was decending the platform
It was so busy
Everyone was in a hurry
But
With my headphones in my ears
I could not hear the bussle
Only my own soundtrack
In front of me I saw a woman walking quickly
Then she stopped
She stopped in the middle of all the hussle
& I saw her  shortly distend her arm
Then spread her fingers out wide
Universal for "Im right here"
Just as she did this a little boy came scurrying to grab it.
& the once rabbit-hearted child was suddenly calm
he could relax
Amazing really.

Then I thought about my own recent experience with
Holding Hands
A girl
Of course
It's always a girl
Its almost magical
When it's unexpected
When it just happens to happen.

These city streets are amazing
The things they see
the things they hold
Just like hands....

When she grabbed my hand well
Well I melted
her fingers pushed in between my own.
it felt
It just felt good.

No need to make a big deal
But I enjoyed it
My heart enjoyed it
As did my hands,
My mind
& my lungs.

This simple act that we just brush off
We shouldn't
I am a strong supporter of hand holding.

Have you ever been in that obsurd conversation when you're asked
If you had to choose one or the other
Would  you choose to be without sight
Or without sound?
I say either as long as I am not without my hands.

Could you imagine not being able to touch something?
Anything? Anyone?
It's so much more than hand holding.

I can see now why a man of years ago considered it a priviledge to kiss a woman's hand.
Taking off her glove almost erotic.
But where men are quite silly & backward...
For me, I would have found it much more exciting if she took the glove off herself
Her hand outstreched allowing me to kiss
Because she wanted to feel my lips just as much as I wanted to feel her hand.

Its more than erotic
More than safety
it's comfort & it's
acceptence
Belonging is what fills my soul
When you hold my hand

Fix Me

I have a disease
These so-called Lungs
They've failed me

You know Frederic Chopin had Cystic Fibrosis...
& he was a genius.

I deny it
Just like everything else
Just like everyone else.

Bad girls make it work
Bad girls work it.
I work AT it
I fail.

It's okay
Keep your suitcase...
Im not running.

You can run down the block
Ill wait for you here on the corner...
If you ever show.

Ill be here with a pen in my hand
With a pencil in my teeth
Tea in my cup
Sugar on my lips
The crystals lining the corners of my mouth.

Fix this!
Fix me

My deer heart
yes DEER
It beats so fast
like fear
like prey.

Eyes straight ahead
Preditor
Eyes on the side
Prey

Swift you are not
Purposeful you are

I simply can not be the only one who thinks like me
Not here
Not now

Life is too short
What am I doing?
Breathing for a living
making do

Please satisfy me
Please
Just spend time with me
Notice me
SEE Me.

I want to think of someone other than myself
Let me think about you.
It'll make me happy
I promise it won't hurt.

It's all just time & energy & stories &
pride.....
just pride
lust
dignity & hate

Replace my hate
Take it's spot on my couch
I don't want it anymore.....

We're More Alike Than We Are Different

A Freak
Im horny
Is that bad?
Is it wrong for me to admit that?
While Im at it...
I've shoplifted too.
I've done cocaine, weed, & acid...
Once

It was highschool
It was College

I don't actively do drugs

I don't have an addictive personality anyway.

Except for when it comes to you.
Your attention
Your eyes... Your beautiful eyes are my audience
& Im addicted.
Watch me Girl
I like the way your eyes feel on me.

I like the way it feels naughty to sneek glances at your chest in between converstaions.
I love a woman's breasts
Smother me I dont care
Flutters in my stomach
In my chest
Wings
Makes me hungry
Makes me want to drive.

I want to use you
Animalistic
That dress is so dangerous
It causes Hair pulling
& nails down your back.
At first Im not interested in your help...
But then you move
Then you do things
& They are amazing things.

You say you are a top
A giver
But I think you're a voyar
I think you like to watch.
You like the control
You can remain Private
You don't let go
Or make yourself vulnerable
Release
Strip down from everything
let me in
Im knocking gently
Tapping really
& Im getting worse Love


I'm getting worse
But I want tell you
I won't tell myself

I'm open
But I hide

Build up
Store everything
Adding to
Adding to

The stress
The pain
The worry

Im getting worse
So I want pleasure now
Fun now
While it's still fun.


& Anyway...

We're more alike than we are different

... It was a Good Day Off

I hate that there's a street that shares your name.
This city hates me.
I despise that this street is the one across from the train station
& I have to look at it everyday.

I think about plenty of others you know.
& I do it with a smile.
I look painful when I think of you.
Maybe we're friends
I dont know
Maybe.

My life is in shambles
My nose is barely above sea level
Your life preserver sucks
I hate it too.
I ironically find myself being nicer to girls who look like you.

& now this girl...
She's so sweet
I want to overtake her.

I spent my day off masturbating
Sometimes you need that.
Oh the stress of this life!

I thought of her instead of you.
It was less painful
& I enjoyed being in charge.
I thought about what I waould say in her ear
From behind
Holding her tightly
Gripping my sheets
My mattress
Her waist.

.... It was a good day off.

I didn't think about work once.
I didn't think about the prep log
Or the pars for Saturday.
Just me
Outside of that
Me as a human
Undefined by occupation

.... It was a good day off.


Sometimes I forget I have breasts.
They're so small.
They're untouched most of the time
& When I dress I don't push them up
Or try to hide them.
I just get dressed.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the traincar window
When I was wearing a tank & a "non-work" bra.
They do have a shape
A life
A bounce
I was reminded of them by a gentleman actually.

He was nice, polite, funny & smart.
We had an interesting conversation.
& during I noticed him hiding his glance downward...
It was discreate...
but I saw.

I forget my own power as a woman.
Im so used to being powered by women
that I put my own aside & forget,

I like African American women.
I want to date one
& cook for her.
I want to have a passionate love affair.

Kiss Kiss Kiss

I hope she has a pet.
I hope she likes her family
& we can have dinners.
I hope she is a stylish dresser,
Loves to dance
& is excited about life.
Likes to read
Is outspoken & kind.

Was that a well written Craigslist ad?
I hope she thinks Im corny & cute.
I hope she likes to hold hands or link arms too.
I'd probably kiss her a lot.

Maybe she'll like
Feathers & Crafts & Tattoos & Poetry & Magicians & Funny Political Books , British Comedy, & Bold Haircuts too...

You Artsy Huh?

I hope.....


..... It was a good day off.

& I Can't Relate

I had intentions to make myself the victim today
I also had intensions to make my bed
...Make you breakfast
...make you stay.
It was nothing like I'd ever felt
Just a push to  the left & I learned.
I learned fast how to keep my head up.
You have time to be one of us girl
But it's hardly worth the time.

So we just spent the whole night
taking cheap shots
on Jamie's porch again.
Another afternoon lost to booze
& girls with tattoos.
Family portrait circa 1989

& anyway I write in all caps
because everything I say is loud & important.
& I stop sudden on street corners
to write down ideas as they come.
& I don't care who's behind me
& stops short.
These words are way too urgent.
There isn't enough space in my head for all these thoughts.

Victory is in the eye of the beholder
& it is mine.

I can see now that it meant nothing really
Just another experience.
& it's the same for me love,
Don't get the impression that I cared more
Or wanted more.
I didn't.
Im stone
Im cold
I'm ice.
It was nothing.

If I were in your position
I could act the same way.

"I'm still nice
You were great fun.
I'm not cold but...
You're not too special.
There are plenty more than you
To experience.
Im not ready to be struck.
You're important...
but not that important.
I'll kiss whomever I please.
& you shouldn't be hurt because I never said otherwise.

& when my friends see you out,
Don't be embarrassed
just because they know about the sweet things you said to me.
just because they know you wanted more.
They know I did the same to someone else last week.
Don't be embarrassed
They don't feel sorry for you,
Or superior to you because they know they can be close to me
& you can't.
You were a fling
A stolen kiss
& nothing else.

You don't look obvious love
Don't worry,
when you see me
You can say hi.
Im not a monster
You're just not special.
I like everyone.
My friends know that...
So should you.

The poems, the gifts, & sweet texts
They were nice & I responded but...
I did the same for others.

Experience
Experience

Fun
Hurt
sex
Angst
Time
Woe
Love
Sorrow
Friendship
Everything love.

Don't be sad
Keep going
On to the next
On to the next.
Don't get so caught up
Experience the world as I do.
be yourself
just do what you have to
& you'll always get by.

Skate
Skate
Skate through
Be surrounded &
Turn about
Appreciate time
Time is all we have..."


& I didn't cry like I thought I would
maybe it was possession that drove me.
maybe anyone could replace you
If they took the same steps.
& I wouldn't cry for them either.

Oh darling it was the idea of you
the idea of someone
that I fell for, not you.
I am mostly in my head anyway
So it certainly makes sense

I wanted love to be an object I could hold.
Tangible & mine.
Possession is 9/10's of the law anyway right?
Even so you have my heart
& with merely a nudge at my collar
 I would jump in line behind you
ready to be led.

Jump as high as you ask
For no reason at all.
Just because you can ask
So you do
& so do I.

I never really got what the moral of this story was anyway.
& so I sit here in this coffee shop alone
with my paper & pen & coffee & phone
& I check for messages that aren't there
& aren't coming.
Moving is a lonely game
Exciting...but
Lonely.
up & down
up & down.
But I'll find my corner

Know me
Know me
Know me
 I scream
I scream so loud on the inside
On the outside I look so obvious
Obviously wanting...

Like a puppy in a cage.
I'll please you
I'll please you
I say with my eyes
With my eager stare.
Pick me Im yours
You'll love to love me.
& in return you won't be sorry
I'll grow on you
& you won't want me to leave.

Sad eyes
Sad eyes...I have Joyful eyes when I look at you.

Eyes are happy when they like what they are looking at.
Time is happy when it likes who it's moving with.

But alas I am not a puppy
I am a girl
A woman to some
But I'm a girl when Im with you.
& pleading eyes are not attractive
& a bleeding heart is ugly.

Maybe you'll know one day Love
You'll know what lonely is in a new city.
& you will call upon the one person who you know can relate.
The one person you know really liked you.
The one person who jumped for you with smiling eyes.

Write to me lonely girl
Write to me
I'm yours.
Romance isn't dead
It is alive in me
& it will never leave.

She is my one & only
She knows all my desires
Secrets never told.
& Romance doesn't laugh in my face
She knows all too well
the Rejection of a woman.

& she'll write about it through me
& as this paper absorbs this ink
It will bleed through
Just like me
Just like you.
& you're finally golden now
& suddenly it happens...

I find myself perched on another bedpost
in another dress.
Another pretty face
The ideal
& I can't relate.

My Best Plateau...Oh What I've Learned From You!

Aside from Sydney you're my best plateau
& meeting you was fun
But there's alot of holding hands in this world set on taking it over.
& we can run & dance
Because we like the band
But neither one of us is one of them.

& now I'm losing my pace
Im losing my pace & I don't know why.
I don't know why & I dont care.
Besides...
Tales of other women
will only break before they bend
About all of your stories... you see
I just don't care...
Well hardly anymore.

I can see a change of heart
Isn't in the works for you
So what works for you?
The pieces of myself that this city takes
I should've never looked at you the morning after.
Did you change your hair?
Still shopping in the same place?
Calling you today
Would make no difference at all.

Besides I suddenly feel scared
Afraid I wouldn't know
how to hug you anymore.

So just go about your life
I don't mind that I'm not apart of it.
I may miss you first
but you'll miss me the most.

Limbs Connect Us

Your limbs
On my mind
My mind
On a hang glider
Soaring over the tide.

Sometimes I remember how you teased me in the mornings
I was always so fond of
Your backside
& you of my front.
That's where your hands always traveled.

I claim my limbs are international
Roman hands &
Russian Fingers
Wow
So Corny

Write a book on how to be me
A pamplet

Talk to me
Read to me

I rememeber you
like I remember my "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" sleeping bag...
Fondly
I liked your confident strut
I felt taken care of
Safe

Some of us
We thrive when we feel safe.
You brought out the best in me
I couldn't do that for you
I can't figure out if there should be a
question mark
or a
period
after that line.

...On to the next
...on to the next

Settle me so I can concentrate elsewhere
So I can think of other things
besides your limbs.

So go love
let's run away from eyes that judge
from eyes that place us in boxes that
they think we'll fit
so nicely into.
They'll use force if neccesary.

Let's get out now love
Fast Fast Fast

Be me today
& I'll be you
I'll tell me what I want to hear.

Summertime feelings
dry out in the sun.
Missing your laugh
My life is alot less funny with out it.

Like walking into the living room mid-movie
I'm lost & confused
Bothering others for information.
Answer my questions
All of them
Im hurt.

Answer my questions
So I can feel important again
Like I matter to you.
I'm better now
I've grown.
Oh but I'm still me
As I am
As I always was

Find again
What you found then.
Tell me I'm beautiful
Spread the blanket over us
Let's cuddle beneath

Hold me
Your back
Against
My front
Don't pretend with me
Your limbs
Connect us

When I come back...

Sometimes when you come from nothing
it pushes you to become everything

When I go home for my visit
I will bring back with me
a fresh connection to the world
to my roots
to family
& home

I will bring back with me
Apple Pie & Floral dresses
Friendly smiles
Simple advice
& cornbread.

I will bring with me
stories of this city
how it sparkles
stories of the girls
this city holds

Even though it's home
Night time feels too real
Too much like being small
Too much like being afraid.

When I was young & couldn't sleep
I would touch myself until I grew sleepy.
It was a strange comfort
It never felt wrong.
Anytime I was afraid of having bad dreams
I would think of someone beautiful.

I never wondered if I was strange
Only when I grew older did I ever question my actions.

Growing up I continued to look inward
Always questioning
Always looking for explainations to things I do
things I feel
things I want

Sometimes I feel very lonely
Im always looking for that kindred soul.

It's hard to know me sometimes
I am trying very hard to take down my wall.
Strangely it only goes up when someone begins to sneak in
Keeping me from getting close
to the one I want

Life is ironic that way
cruel games

I will bring back with me
a new outlook
new inspiration
new art
& new attitude
Life keeps moving
Keeps us on our toes
I love it
Keep it coming

Little Shirts

...When you're little
Petite
Small
Staying over with a friend unexpected
Something special happens when it's time to go to bed.

A friend creates a spot for you to sleep
In their bed
On the couch
Pillows
Sheets
Blankets

But what to give you to sleep in...?
When your little
Petite
Small

They dig into their dressers
Find the smallest shirt they own
Something older they've kept
For sentimental reasons
From Middle School

I have probably slept in more sentimental shirts
than anyone you know...
Worn in
& always acompanied by a story
as it's handed over.

I feel how special it is...
& sleep better because of it

Thrive Love

I can't go into this anymore
It puts too many thoughts on my mind
So won't you do me a favor love,
& catalog from the angle you know.
But you won't make it easy on me

Run rabbit run
& with the wondering eyes of an orphan
You'll dig a hole inside the hole you're in.
My clone wears her heart on the inside,
& I seduce her when no one's around.
But it's not enough
Not enough

On second thought,
No more favors love,
I still owe you for the hole in the floor.
It's been a while since we went wild
& it's really a crime
But it's tough to kill the time.

So won't you paint me a picture love
of your complex mind
& tell me the story love
of your exhausted heart.
Because we don't make eye contact
when we have run-ins in town.
So I'm off to the center of the Earth again
where it's hot love
You know it hurts to be me.

The giving heart
& the rolling mind
ask
Will we make it at all?
Then I look at my clone
With swollen eyes
Then paint a hole & fall inside.
I like the wiff of your fragrant mind.

Write you letters love?
But you don't know my calligraphy.
I want to know yours.
Write me a letter love
A song
A poem
A story

Do you curl your 2's?
Mine are sharp
& have no curl.
Is your hand-writing nice?
You have nice hands
But that doesn't mean much.
Maybe I only think they are nice
because they are yours.
& I know what they are capable of.
Intentions behind ....
Purpose
Work
Care
Connection love.

This city will be far less interesting without you in it
& far less beautiful.
The buildings mirror your intense stare
& they will haunt me after you've gone.
Maybe I am a hopeless romantic
But romance isn't dead.
It burns within my walls.
& maybe it's silly to some...
Maybe you'll think it too much love...
But don't.
Just enjoy the sweetness
Know it's sincere
Don't be jaded
Don't feel that way.
I know you are open
So be open to this.

You are wonderful
I want to know more of you
I envy thoes who do
& feel sadness for thoes who knew
yet threw it away because they didn't see what I saw in the first 15 minutes I spent with you.

Love
Love
Love
Leave
Woes

Now I taste like glitter & sweat
Smell like perfume & women

If I could keep you for me always I would
Without crushing your delicate ora
Never want that to dissipate or turn.
Vintage excitement for you
You will always thrive love
& soar like a bird.
Feathers &
Wind &
Purpose

Run Girl Run

When I think about you
I think about songs.
I think about what you were doing at age 10.
Then I compare it to what I was doing then.
Where I was
At that age.
& what I was thinking.
What was the center of your world then?
What was my center?
My core?

Im sure your thoughts & ideas were very different than mine.

Did someone hurt you?
I've been hurt too.

Our fences keep us apart
But we have a connection.
It's under the covers of this un-made bed
Scrunched up at the bottom.

& your legs...
Use them to squeeze me tight.
I want to feel your center against my thigh.
I hug your's with mine
Rhythmically rocking back & forth.
Feels so fucking good.

Engulfed in your scent,
My nose amongst your hair sweeping your shoulders.
Kissing your neck
Smelling you
Grabbing your hair
& craddling the back of your neck.

I want all of me
against all of you.

Your breasts are soft against my own,
Only when you move do I feel your nipples
Hard at attention against my chest.
You are aroused
Excited & Eager.
I can feel your energy,
The neighbors can feel your energy.

I dont know what you're thinking
I don't know if you're thinking about tomorrow
or merely focused on getting off.

Are you thinking about details as I am?
Are you looking at my body & thinking about how I smell?
Are you in engulfed like me?

or am I just a warm body to you?
Avoiding my face & scent.
My lips & my skin.
Remaining detached
Only feeling the friction.
Just enough to get us both off.

I reach my peak because the combination of
My thoughts,
Your will,
& our friction
is almost too much to take.

My body it moves faster
I can't help it.
I have no control.
My heart rate is up & my mind is in bliss.
A new wave of energy overcomes me.
I take you
hold you tight & use you.
You are mine to use at this point.
You have no name
No memories
No past, only present.

My fingers are in your hair, then on your back,
Clutching at you.
Gripping... 
So you can't move.
I need you in this spot right now until Im there.
Until im beyond there & exaughsted all movement.

It flatters me.
Your effort.
That we are both working toward this goal
for my bliss.

You owe me nothing
& give me everything,
But just for now....

When morning comes you will un-wrap your arms from around me.
Let loose your grip.
You will dissconnect with awkward mundane conversation as you get dressed for work.

No talk of last night.
That is over & done.
No need to re-cap.
A new goal is at hand.
Getting to work.
Me...
Getting out,
Going home,
Leaving.

A new fence
A new gate.
It's not my place to argue
or argue for my place.
It is what it is.
Pushing for a different connection
may lead to no connection & no friction.
Take what you get
get what you got & run.
Run girl run.

Conquering a Field

When I saw you for the first time,
It was from across the dance floor.
Past a sea of people.
Your cheeks were flushed from the heat of the room.
& you were beautiful.
All around you were people fighting to stand out,
But not you
You were trying to blend in.
You didn't have to fight.
You glowed.

It seemed as though you were taken
I respected that
So I simply reveled in the fact that you exsisted that night.
Somewhere in this city.
I didn't go home alone...
I went home with my thoughts
Visions of the way your eyes smiled.

"If given the chance..." I said...
Then... I was.

You were so sweet & attentive
Like you really cared about what I had to say.
& you made me nervous
It was a good nervous
A great nervous

I remember looking at you all over
Your eyes
Your body
Everything

I remember thinking about how to describe the way I felt.
I felt the way a man must feel
A boy
It was like my body had a mind of it's own
Had it's own agenda
It's own brain
It's own will
My body wanted you
& if like a man, I could have shown it physically
Outwardly
Uncontrollably
I would have been embarrassed.

An animal
a monster
I felt split in two
My brain was overthinking...
Overloading
Second guessing
My body... The animal
had no need for guesses or games
Pouncing


But that was then
& that was all

My brain, somewhat cocky
Always expects an outcome
A goal acheived
A new path conquered

A field is the result
Simple
Open
With flushed cheeks
& laughing eyes

Beautiful...

Take Flight

10 against 1 just isn't fair.
Your heart against mine isn't either.
But who plays fair in love anyway?
Certainly not you
& certainly not your heart.

Not your arms
or your eyes
Not your stare
or your glare

But me? Im here & fully armed
Ha!
Just try it!
I'll grab you
Ill take you by surprise
& you won't even know you've been hit.
You don't see me anyway
But later
Ill slide in your thoughts
& there I'll stay

Moving you
with my words
My tools
Lies Lies secrets & more.

Move in your boots
Ill untie your shoes
You'll fall just like anyone
Ill trip you
But catch you before you go down.
Maybe you think that's wrong.
Maybe I should think that's wrong.
But who are you to point accusing fingers across this room?
this is my room
& so is everything in it.
Greedy I am
Selfish
I am not
Envious
I am
Of your feathers beautifully ruffled.
Bet they're soft like I imagine your hands are.
Wear your glasses
& straighten your curls
We'll dance this dance into the night.

This city is cruel
& you live in it.
Im here too
& so I will adapt
This city demands it.

I am a monster.
Are you scared?
I am a prince.
Are you intrigued?

If I make demands will you jump?
Or laugh in my face...
Turn away & say you hear nothing?

I should just be a pillow for you to use.
Then my feathers will serve a purpose.
They'll take flight beneath you