I had intentions to make myself the victim today
I also had intensions to make my bed
...Make you breakfast
...make you stay.
It was nothing like I'd ever felt
Just a push to the left & I learned.
I learned fast how to keep my head up.
You have time to be one of us girl
But it's hardly worth the time.
So we just spent the whole night
taking cheap shots
on Jamie's porch again.
Another afternoon lost to booze
& girls with tattoos.
Family portrait circa 1989
& anyway I write in all caps
because everything I say is loud & important.
& I stop sudden on street corners
to write down ideas as they come.
& I don't care who's behind me
& stops short.
These words are way too urgent.
There isn't enough space in my head for all these thoughts.
Victory is in the eye of the beholder
& it is mine.
I can see now that it meant nothing really
Just another experience.
& it's the same for me love,
Don't get the impression that I cared more
Or wanted more.
I didn't.
Im stone
Im cold
I'm ice.
It was nothing.
If I were in your position
I could act the same way.
"I'm still nice
You were great fun.
I'm not cold but...
You're not too special.
There are plenty more than you
To experience.
Im not ready to be struck.
You're important...
but not that important.
I'll kiss whomever I please.
& you shouldn't be hurt because I never said otherwise.
& when my friends see you out,
Don't be embarrassed
just because they know about the sweet things you said to me.
just because they know you wanted more.
They know I did the same to someone else last week.
Don't be embarrassed
They don't feel sorry for you,
Or superior to you because they know they can be close to me
& you can't.
You were a fling
A stolen kiss
& nothing else.
You don't look obvious love
Don't worry,
when you see me
You can say hi.
Im not a monster
You're just not special.
I like everyone.
My friends know that...
So should you.
The poems, the gifts, & sweet texts
They were nice & I responded but...
I did the same for others.
Experience
Experience
Fun
Hurt
sex
Angst
Time
Woe
Love
Sorrow
Friendship
Everything love.
Don't be sad
Keep going
On to the next
On to the next.
Don't get so caught up
Experience the world as I do.
be yourself
just do what you have to
& you'll always get by.
Skate
Skate
Skate through
Be surrounded &
Turn about
Appreciate time
Time is all we have..."
& I didn't cry like I thought I would
maybe it was possession that drove me.
maybe anyone could replace you
If they took the same steps.
& I wouldn't cry for them either.
Oh darling it was the idea of you
the idea of someone
that I fell for, not you.
I am mostly in my head anyway
So it certainly makes sense
I wanted love to be an object I could hold.
Tangible & mine.
Possession is 9/10's of the law anyway right?
Even so you have my heart
& with merely a nudge at my collar
I would jump in line behind you
ready to be led.
Jump as high as you ask
For no reason at all.
Just because you can ask
So you do
& so do I.
I never really got what the moral of this story was anyway.
& so I sit here in this coffee shop alone
with my paper & pen & coffee & phone
& I check for messages that aren't there
& aren't coming.
Moving is a lonely game
Exciting...but
Lonely.
up & down
up & down.
But I'll find my corner
Know me
Know me
Know me
I scream
I scream so loud on the inside
On the outside I look so obvious
Obviously wanting...
Like a puppy in a cage.
I'll please you
I'll please you
I say with my eyes
With my eager stare.
Pick me Im yours
You'll love to love me.
& in return you won't be sorry
I'll grow on you
& you won't want me to leave.
Sad eyes
Sad eyes...I have Joyful eyes when I look at you.
Eyes are happy when they like what they are looking at.
Time is happy when it likes who it's moving with.
But alas I am not a puppy
I am a girl
A woman to some
But I'm a girl when Im with you.
& pleading eyes are not attractive
& a bleeding heart is ugly.
Maybe you'll know one day Love
You'll know what lonely is in a new city.
& you will call upon the one person who you know can relate.
The one person you know really liked you.
The one person who jumped for you with smiling eyes.
Write to me lonely girl
Write to me
I'm yours.
Romance isn't dead
It is alive in me
& it will never leave.
She is my one & only
She knows all my desires
Secrets never told.
& Romance doesn't laugh in my face
She knows all too well
the Rejection of a woman.
& she'll write about it through me
& as this paper absorbs this ink
It will bleed through
Just like me
Just like you.
& you're finally golden now
& suddenly it happens...
I find myself perched on another bedpost
in another dress.
Another pretty face
The ideal
& I can't relate.
