Conquering a Field

When I saw you for the first time,
It was from across the dance floor.
Past a sea of people.
Your cheeks were flushed from the heat of the room.
& you were beautiful.
All around you were people fighting to stand out,
But not you
You were trying to blend in.
You didn't have to fight.
You glowed.

It seemed as though you were taken
I respected that
So I simply reveled in the fact that you exsisted that night.
Somewhere in this city.
I didn't go home alone...
I went home with my thoughts
Visions of the way your eyes smiled.

"If given the chance..." I said...
Then... I was.

You were so sweet & attentive
Like you really cared about what I had to say.
& you made me nervous
It was a good nervous
A great nervous

I remember looking at you all over
Your eyes
Your body
Everything

I remember thinking about how to describe the way I felt.
I felt the way a man must feel
A boy
It was like my body had a mind of it's own
Had it's own agenda
It's own brain
It's own will
My body wanted you
& if like a man, I could have shown it physically
Outwardly
Uncontrollably
I would have been embarrassed.

An animal
a monster
I felt split in two
My brain was overthinking...
Overloading
Second guessing
My body... The animal
had no need for guesses or games
Pouncing


But that was then
& that was all

My brain, somewhat cocky
Always expects an outcome
A goal acheived
A new path conquered

A field is the result
Simple
Open
With flushed cheeks
& laughing eyes

Beautiful...

Take Flight

10 against 1 just isn't fair.
Your heart against mine isn't either.
But who plays fair in love anyway?
Certainly not you
& certainly not your heart.

Not your arms
or your eyes
Not your stare
or your glare

But me? Im here & fully armed
Ha!
Just try it!
I'll grab you
Ill take you by surprise
& you won't even know you've been hit.
You don't see me anyway
But later
Ill slide in your thoughts
& there I'll stay

Moving you
with my words
My tools
Lies Lies secrets & more.

Move in your boots
Ill untie your shoes
You'll fall just like anyone
Ill trip you
But catch you before you go down.
Maybe you think that's wrong.
Maybe I should think that's wrong.
But who are you to point accusing fingers across this room?
this is my room
& so is everything in it.
Greedy I am
Selfish
I am not
Envious
I am
Of your feathers beautifully ruffled.
Bet they're soft like I imagine your hands are.
Wear your glasses
& straighten your curls
We'll dance this dance into the night.

This city is cruel
& you live in it.
Im here too
& so I will adapt
This city demands it.

I am a monster.
Are you scared?
I am a prince.
Are you intrigued?

If I make demands will you jump?
Or laugh in my face...
Turn away & say you hear nothing?

I should just be a pillow for you to use.
Then my feathers will serve a purpose.
They'll take flight beneath you

Self Indulgent

& you?
You are unaware of what makes me operate,
makes me spin like a fan or a top.

The Jerk

Life is merely a series of interviews & friend-er-views. 
it happens when you & the other person decide whether or not,
you want to continue spending time with one another.

Table for 1...
Dinner alone...
Just because you're single doesn't mean you don't get hungry for good food.
Doesn't mean you can't go to a nice restaurant to eat.
Doesn't mean you don't deserve good food in your stomach.

Im not ashamed.
Im not too proud or scared to do things alone.
if I want to do something, Im going to do it.
I've done plenty of things alone....
These include but are not limited to....

Movies, dinner, lunch, breakfast, shows, clubs, art viewings, the park doctor's visits, christmas (once) & New Years.  
It actually feels strange when I have someone in my car.
I have actually said this out loud when explaining all the stuff on the passenger's seat.
"Sorry, im not used to having passengers." I say while frantically clearing the seat.

I have Cystic Fibrosis & Im a selfish jerk.
Im sick & don't want to be.
Im sick & I don't always take care of myself properly.

But when you looked at me with thoes eyes,
I melted in my jeans, or my heels or whatever I was wearing...
who knows? I only remember what you were wearing.
This striped shirt.
I remember it was soft.
I remember touching you when we kissed.
I couldn't believe you wanted to kiss me.
You were so f*&king beautiful.

You persued me intensely, texting me when I got to my car.
Then throughout the night, texting me sexually,
I was quite into it.
But where are you now?

From now I will ask..."Could you please let me know what could possibly screw this up so I can avoid it?"
"Please don't let me screw up with you."