& I Can't Relate

I had intentions to make myself the victim today
I also had intensions to make my bed
...Make you breakfast
...make you stay.
It was nothing like I'd ever felt
Just a push to  the left & I learned.
I learned fast how to keep my head up.
You have time to be one of us girl
But it's hardly worth the time.

So we just spent the whole night
taking cheap shots
on Jamie's porch again.
Another afternoon lost to booze
& girls with tattoos.
Family portrait circa 1989

& anyway I write in all caps
because everything I say is loud & important.
& I stop sudden on street corners
to write down ideas as they come.
& I don't care who's behind me
& stops short.
These words are way too urgent.
There isn't enough space in my head for all these thoughts.

Victory is in the eye of the beholder
& it is mine.

I can see now that it meant nothing really
Just another experience.
& it's the same for me love,
Don't get the impression that I cared more
Or wanted more.
I didn't.
Im stone
Im cold
I'm ice.
It was nothing.

If I were in your position
I could act the same way.

"I'm still nice
You were great fun.
I'm not cold but...
You're not too special.
There are plenty more than you
To experience.
Im not ready to be struck.
You're important...
but not that important.
I'll kiss whomever I please.
& you shouldn't be hurt because I never said otherwise.

& when my friends see you out,
Don't be embarrassed
just because they know about the sweet things you said to me.
just because they know you wanted more.
They know I did the same to someone else last week.
Don't be embarrassed
They don't feel sorry for you,
Or superior to you because they know they can be close to me
& you can't.
You were a fling
A stolen kiss
& nothing else.

You don't look obvious love
Don't worry,
when you see me
You can say hi.
Im not a monster
You're just not special.
I like everyone.
My friends know that...
So should you.

The poems, the gifts, & sweet texts
They were nice & I responded but...
I did the same for others.

Experience
Experience

Fun
Hurt
sex
Angst
Time
Woe
Love
Sorrow
Friendship
Everything love.

Don't be sad
Keep going
On to the next
On to the next.
Don't get so caught up
Experience the world as I do.
be yourself
just do what you have to
& you'll always get by.

Skate
Skate
Skate through
Be surrounded &
Turn about
Appreciate time
Time is all we have..."


& I didn't cry like I thought I would
maybe it was possession that drove me.
maybe anyone could replace you
If they took the same steps.
& I wouldn't cry for them either.

Oh darling it was the idea of you
the idea of someone
that I fell for, not you.
I am mostly in my head anyway
So it certainly makes sense

I wanted love to be an object I could hold.
Tangible & mine.
Possession is 9/10's of the law anyway right?
Even so you have my heart
& with merely a nudge at my collar
 I would jump in line behind you
ready to be led.

Jump as high as you ask
For no reason at all.
Just because you can ask
So you do
& so do I.

I never really got what the moral of this story was anyway.
& so I sit here in this coffee shop alone
with my paper & pen & coffee & phone
& I check for messages that aren't there
& aren't coming.
Moving is a lonely game
Exciting...but
Lonely.
up & down
up & down.
But I'll find my corner

Know me
Know me
Know me
 I scream
I scream so loud on the inside
On the outside I look so obvious
Obviously wanting...

Like a puppy in a cage.
I'll please you
I'll please you
I say with my eyes
With my eager stare.
Pick me Im yours
You'll love to love me.
& in return you won't be sorry
I'll grow on you
& you won't want me to leave.

Sad eyes
Sad eyes...I have Joyful eyes when I look at you.

Eyes are happy when they like what they are looking at.
Time is happy when it likes who it's moving with.

But alas I am not a puppy
I am a girl
A woman to some
But I'm a girl when Im with you.
& pleading eyes are not attractive
& a bleeding heart is ugly.

Maybe you'll know one day Love
You'll know what lonely is in a new city.
& you will call upon the one person who you know can relate.
The one person you know really liked you.
The one person who jumped for you with smiling eyes.

Write to me lonely girl
Write to me
I'm yours.
Romance isn't dead
It is alive in me
& it will never leave.

She is my one & only
She knows all my desires
Secrets never told.
& Romance doesn't laugh in my face
She knows all too well
the Rejection of a woman.

& she'll write about it through me
& as this paper absorbs this ink
It will bleed through
Just like me
Just like you.
& you're finally golden now
& suddenly it happens...

I find myself perched on another bedpost
in another dress.
Another pretty face
The ideal
& I can't relate.

My Best Plateau...Oh What I've Learned From You!

Aside from Sydney you're my best plateau
& meeting you was fun
But there's alot of holding hands in this world set on taking it over.
& we can run & dance
Because we like the band
But neither one of us is one of them.

& now I'm losing my pace
Im losing my pace & I don't know why.
I don't know why & I dont care.
Besides...
Tales of other women
will only break before they bend
About all of your stories... you see
I just don't care...
Well hardly anymore.

I can see a change of heart
Isn't in the works for you
So what works for you?
The pieces of myself that this city takes
I should've never looked at you the morning after.
Did you change your hair?
Still shopping in the same place?
Calling you today
Would make no difference at all.

Besides I suddenly feel scared
Afraid I wouldn't know
how to hug you anymore.

So just go about your life
I don't mind that I'm not apart of it.
I may miss you first
but you'll miss me the most.

Limbs Connect Us

Your limbs
On my mind
My mind
On a hang glider
Soaring over the tide.

Sometimes I remember how you teased me in the mornings
I was always so fond of
Your backside
& you of my front.
That's where your hands always traveled.

I claim my limbs are international
Roman hands &
Russian Fingers
Wow
So Corny

Write a book on how to be me
A pamplet

Talk to me
Read to me

I rememeber you
like I remember my "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" sleeping bag...
Fondly
I liked your confident strut
I felt taken care of
Safe

Some of us
We thrive when we feel safe.
You brought out the best in me
I couldn't do that for you
I can't figure out if there should be a
question mark
or a
period
after that line.

...On to the next
...on to the next

Settle me so I can concentrate elsewhere
So I can think of other things
besides your limbs.

So go love
let's run away from eyes that judge
from eyes that place us in boxes that
they think we'll fit
so nicely into.
They'll use force if neccesary.

Let's get out now love
Fast Fast Fast

Be me today
& I'll be you
I'll tell me what I want to hear.

Summertime feelings
dry out in the sun.
Missing your laugh
My life is alot less funny with out it.

Like walking into the living room mid-movie
I'm lost & confused
Bothering others for information.
Answer my questions
All of them
Im hurt.

Answer my questions
So I can feel important again
Like I matter to you.
I'm better now
I've grown.
Oh but I'm still me
As I am
As I always was

Find again
What you found then.
Tell me I'm beautiful
Spread the blanket over us
Let's cuddle beneath

Hold me
Your back
Against
My front
Don't pretend with me
Your limbs
Connect us

When I come back...

Sometimes when you come from nothing
it pushes you to become everything

When I go home for my visit
I will bring back with me
a fresh connection to the world
to my roots
to family
& home

I will bring back with me
Apple Pie & Floral dresses
Friendly smiles
Simple advice
& cornbread.

I will bring with me
stories of this city
how it sparkles
stories of the girls
this city holds

Even though it's home
Night time feels too real
Too much like being small
Too much like being afraid.

When I was young & couldn't sleep
I would touch myself until I grew sleepy.
It was a strange comfort
It never felt wrong.
Anytime I was afraid of having bad dreams
I would think of someone beautiful.

I never wondered if I was strange
Only when I grew older did I ever question my actions.

Growing up I continued to look inward
Always questioning
Always looking for explainations to things I do
things I feel
things I want

Sometimes I feel very lonely
Im always looking for that kindred soul.

It's hard to know me sometimes
I am trying very hard to take down my wall.
Strangely it only goes up when someone begins to sneak in
Keeping me from getting close
to the one I want

Life is ironic that way
cruel games

I will bring back with me
a new outlook
new inspiration
new art
& new attitude
Life keeps moving
Keeps us on our toes
I love it
Keep it coming

Little Shirts

...When you're little
Petite
Small
Staying over with a friend unexpected
Something special happens when it's time to go to bed.

A friend creates a spot for you to sleep
In their bed
On the couch
Pillows
Sheets
Blankets

But what to give you to sleep in...?
When your little
Petite
Small

They dig into their dressers
Find the smallest shirt they own
Something older they've kept
For sentimental reasons
From Middle School

I have probably slept in more sentimental shirts
than anyone you know...
Worn in
& always acompanied by a story
as it's handed over.

I feel how special it is...
& sleep better because of it

Thrive Love

I can't go into this anymore
It puts too many thoughts on my mind
So won't you do me a favor love,
& catalog from the angle you know.
But you won't make it easy on me

Run rabbit run
& with the wondering eyes of an orphan
You'll dig a hole inside the hole you're in.
My clone wears her heart on the inside,
& I seduce her when no one's around.
But it's not enough
Not enough

On second thought,
No more favors love,
I still owe you for the hole in the floor.
It's been a while since we went wild
& it's really a crime
But it's tough to kill the time.

So won't you paint me a picture love
of your complex mind
& tell me the story love
of your exhausted heart.
Because we don't make eye contact
when we have run-ins in town.
So I'm off to the center of the Earth again
where it's hot love
You know it hurts to be me.

The giving heart
& the rolling mind
ask
Will we make it at all?
Then I look at my clone
With swollen eyes
Then paint a hole & fall inside.
I like the wiff of your fragrant mind.

Write you letters love?
But you don't know my calligraphy.
I want to know yours.
Write me a letter love
A song
A poem
A story

Do you curl your 2's?
Mine are sharp
& have no curl.
Is your hand-writing nice?
You have nice hands
But that doesn't mean much.
Maybe I only think they are nice
because they are yours.
& I know what they are capable of.
Intentions behind ....
Purpose
Work
Care
Connection love.

This city will be far less interesting without you in it
& far less beautiful.
The buildings mirror your intense stare
& they will haunt me after you've gone.
Maybe I am a hopeless romantic
But romance isn't dead.
It burns within my walls.
& maybe it's silly to some...
Maybe you'll think it too much love...
But don't.
Just enjoy the sweetness
Know it's sincere
Don't be jaded
Don't feel that way.
I know you are open
So be open to this.

You are wonderful
I want to know more of you
I envy thoes who do
& feel sadness for thoes who knew
yet threw it away because they didn't see what I saw in the first 15 minutes I spent with you.

Love
Love
Love
Leave
Woes

Now I taste like glitter & sweat
Smell like perfume & women

If I could keep you for me always I would
Without crushing your delicate ora
Never want that to dissipate or turn.
Vintage excitement for you
You will always thrive love
& soar like a bird.
Feathers &
Wind &
Purpose

Run Girl Run

When I think about you
I think about songs.
I think about what you were doing at age 10.
Then I compare it to what I was doing then.
Where I was
At that age.
& what I was thinking.
What was the center of your world then?
What was my center?
My core?

Im sure your thoughts & ideas were very different than mine.

Did someone hurt you?
I've been hurt too.

Our fences keep us apart
But we have a connection.
It's under the covers of this un-made bed
Scrunched up at the bottom.

& your legs...
Use them to squeeze me tight.
I want to feel your center against my thigh.
I hug your's with mine
Rhythmically rocking back & forth.
Feels so fucking good.

Engulfed in your scent,
My nose amongst your hair sweeping your shoulders.
Kissing your neck
Smelling you
Grabbing your hair
& craddling the back of your neck.

I want all of me
against all of you.

Your breasts are soft against my own,
Only when you move do I feel your nipples
Hard at attention against my chest.
You are aroused
Excited & Eager.
I can feel your energy,
The neighbors can feel your energy.

I dont know what you're thinking
I don't know if you're thinking about tomorrow
or merely focused on getting off.

Are you thinking about details as I am?
Are you looking at my body & thinking about how I smell?
Are you in engulfed like me?

or am I just a warm body to you?
Avoiding my face & scent.
My lips & my skin.
Remaining detached
Only feeling the friction.
Just enough to get us both off.

I reach my peak because the combination of
My thoughts,
Your will,
& our friction
is almost too much to take.

My body it moves faster
I can't help it.
I have no control.
My heart rate is up & my mind is in bliss.
A new wave of energy overcomes me.
I take you
hold you tight & use you.
You are mine to use at this point.
You have no name
No memories
No past, only present.

My fingers are in your hair, then on your back,
Clutching at you.
Gripping... 
So you can't move.
I need you in this spot right now until Im there.
Until im beyond there & exaughsted all movement.

It flatters me.
Your effort.
That we are both working toward this goal
for my bliss.

You owe me nothing
& give me everything,
But just for now....

When morning comes you will un-wrap your arms from around me.
Let loose your grip.
You will dissconnect with awkward mundane conversation as you get dressed for work.

No talk of last night.
That is over & done.
No need to re-cap.
A new goal is at hand.
Getting to work.
Me...
Getting out,
Going home,
Leaving.

A new fence
A new gate.
It's not my place to argue
or argue for my place.
It is what it is.
Pushing for a different connection
may lead to no connection & no friction.
Take what you get
get what you got & run.
Run girl run.